10:38 pm.

I keep thinking about rejoining the climbing gym. I even looked at the monthly rates. over $100 now! I remember paying $80.

I also keep thinking about riding my skateboard. I found my board while cleaning the apartment. it was hidden underneath the fatboy bean bag in the corner. graphics and trucks brand new—sadly, not a single ollie nor grind was ever attempted. and there were cobwebs on the indys. eddie and I got brand new setups shortly before the pandemic, obviously before his legs started going bad. we never had the chance to ride them.

When he first messaged me on okcupid, he asked me if I like to “imbibe and ride.” he was speaking my language. one time while skating to the barcade, he fell while trying to ollie off a bump and I couldn’t stop laughing. i’ve seen people fall a million times and I never laughed because it’s not funny. i was just a happy person.

(I still am.)

it’s not over until you can’t do a kickflip anymore, so i’m pretty sure it’s over for me. i’m not really interested in going to the skatepark or learning tricks again anyway. i’ll be happy If I can just push down the block to the hardware store to pick up the new mop head that i need along with some other necessary household items.

Or maybe skate to the climbing gym. Wouldn’t that just be a whole new level of rad.

I had a dream that I used my oc spray on someone. pretty sure it was dick van patten. he was following me and i sprayed him at close range when he tried to grab me. the stream of spray was weak and i was lucky i got him close up because it didn’t travel far. the effect of the hot sauce was also disappointing. he just rubbed his eyes like someone with eight kids and a lot of stress would. but I got away. if I didn’t know it was a dream and that he died several years ago, I would have believed that it really happened.

I carry pom pepper spray and I tested its distance today. it sprayed much farther than I dreamed.

9:49 pm.

life’s not fair, is it? Memorable line from Lion king.

I went out for some drinks tonight with shawanna. As you know, she is a talented comedian so she made me laugh so much tonight. She serves the best kind of humor and the kind of compliments that you secretly want to hear. For example, She likened me and my red hair to Jessica rabbit. And according to her, I did my job.

when I got home, I discovered that one or more of the smoke detectors in the apartment was chirping. Time to replace the battery. At two-something in the morning, I dragged out the gorilla ladder from underneath the bed. The chirping stopped (maybe because I tapped a button) even before I put in a new battery. I did not put any new batteries. It will be a later problem.

eddie used to take Care of all those things. Until he couldn’t. So I had to. But never did.

but big news: I cooked a full meal for myself for the first time in months (college girl spaghetti doesn’t count). It was Eddie’s favorite chicken drumsticks and other delicious things. I felt like I made so much healing progress in recent weeks. I texted everyone: “hey look! I cooked chicken, rice, and green beans all by myself!”

life’s not fair, but it’s beautiful. So many beautiful and wonderful people in my life right now. I feel like I’m managing pretty well these days—totally healing and ruling. really it’s because of you. 3:38 am.

I’ve decided to stay in this apartment. After eddie passed I thought I would move (to Sacramento? To claremont? To Milwaukee?) but i realized that moving would be too much to deal with. So I shall stay in this rad apartment that I can barely afford.

i love this place but I just got new upstairs neighbors who have heavy footsteps. 12:22 am and I can still hear them thudding along their whole apartment. It drives Niko to the point of mad panic and anxiety where she would jump off the third floor balcony (she did it before). Eddie used to bang on the ceiling with his cane when the old neighbors used to wrestle after midnight. But this is a new set of neighbors who moved in less than a week ago. Maybe they are still rearranging or building their billy bookcases but they are making too much noise. I felt i need to nip this problem in the bud as soon as possible, so to kill them with kindness I left them a welcome basket (ie, paper gift bag) at their door.

the bag contained a $15 bottle of red wine, a box of walker’s shortbread cookies in the shape of Scottie dogs (regift), and a small box of Godiva dark chocolate. On the card i wrote, “hi neighbors! happy new year and welcome to the community! This is a great building, but please be mindful that the floors are very thin. Please Watch your heavy footsteps. or else watch your backs.” And I drew a little gun with dashes coming out the barrel.

11:41 pm.

happy new year! Hope you had a fun and safe celebration and feel ready for 2025. New Year’s Day is Eddie’s favorite holiday. He would say happy new year to people well into February (luckily okay because lunar new year). He loved the idea of a fresh start. I missed him at the countdown.

not to brag, but I’m killing it so far in 2025. First off, I have groceries and stuff to eat in my refrigerator. I placed an amazon fresh order. Sure, the main goal was to obtain some champagne and restock my liquor shelf, but the important point here is that I also ordered food. Vegetables! Bananas! Salad fixin’s! And drumsticks (eddie’s favorite; chicken not ice cream). It’s a bonanza.

Secondly, I wasn’t hungover today Because I took my pre-party zbiotics but also just didn’t drink as much as I normally do. Sure, I was already hungover on New Year’s Eve and the last thing i needed was more booze, but the important point here is that I drank less.

and finally, I Spent time training my front splits (a shared 2025 goal with momo), cleaned the apartment, brushed Niko’s teeth, applied a beauty face mask, and am going to read some pages of a book (crow planet by Lyanda lynn haunt). Crushing it.

and you?

i spent the day with fam at my mom’s house. Hung out in one of my favorite places—her backyard. then We ate traditional 떡 만두 국 (it’s soup) for early new year’s. I napped and then ate more food. I feel pretty fat. Even though I hadn’t been eating very much food the past few months, I didn’t lose any weight. In fact, i gained. “There’s a sandwich in every beer.”-chopak dumpings.

i guess the New Year’s resolutions will be to exercise more, Improve physical balance, Prevent Alzheimer disease (5 coffees per day!), eat more vegetables, reduce drinking, brush Niko’s teeth consistently, learn how to scratch on Eddie’s technics, repair my skin barrier, try climbing or skating again, be a good leader, read books, go on a date with someone awesome, win with calls and puts, get my health check-ups, try waterless car washing, take a trip but not solo, hike, buy gold at slauson swap meet, the list goes on and on. I make resolutions all year long.

1:33 am.