you guys, good news and further confirmation that love and kindness Is the way. Neighbor update.

Niko and I were bumpin’ Richie Hawtin techno sets all night. Only because we wanted to cover up the sound of the upstairs neighbors’ footsteps with the sounds of unz unz. At around 11:45 pm, the boyfriend of the girl who lives upstairs knocked on my door. He said their entire room was vibrating. Haha. He was a very nice Asian kid, and after some talking it felt like we got everything sorted out. Later, The girl texted me (from a 909) and she was very kind. They have been super quiet ever since!

Just golden.

tonight I did laundry, sipped wine, played street fighter, tested the ph of the water from the water machine (Results inconclusive), and attempted to repair my Nelson clock after watching a YouTube. Haven’t fridayed like this in quite a while. It is nice.

happy friday. i’m taking an easy day at work. today is five months since eddie’s passing. I have the best team holding down the fort so I was able to step away to go to the cemetery.

I was really unprepared for the visit though. I didn’t think I needed to take anything, but turns I needed food. and water. haha. and tissues. and maybe even a little bit of support (thank you, ig). but it was a beautiful day and always wonderful to be with him.

i also visited and delivered flowers to eddie’s father. he was a brilliant, poetic man and his nickname for me was “talking flower.”

five months isn’t a long time. or is it? I feel like i’m doing a pretty solid job in terms of healing and honoring this beautiful journey that I get to be on. i’m sure not everyone’s grieving path is like mine—positively lit by a bright guiding light of shining golden love. I know how lucky I am. doing my best to spread it.

3:38 pm.

today was a beautiful day. Every aspect of my life brought me joy. Is it weird to be laughing so much?

I’m not really in a writing mood though because there is a lot of stuff going on in my head, heart, stomach, and plantar fasciae right now. Nothing bad.

transmitting love
Place index and middle fingers in space below. close your eyes. and receive love:

well done.

12:44 am.

feeling very good tonight. I had dinner with cj where the restaurant was cute and loud. trendy la. at our table…nothing but real talk, no judgment, all love. and that caramel sauce.

two funny things today:

1. I decided to extend my arm out over the balcony railing while holding a peanut in hopes of a crow landing and perching on my forearm. there were three of them in the tree nearby watching me; they all know me and have been eating my food every day for years. it’s about time they repay me with some urban wildlife glory. nobody landed on me. and a neighbor was watching.

2. I was in an hour-long meeting today (cameras off)…i was talking, making announcements, and answering questions. but i noticed people were acting very cold towards me and not responding to anything I was saying and someone even cut me off and said “let’s move on.” i wasn’t on mute and nobody indicated that they couldn’t hear me. after the meeting I noticed a pop-up buried under other windows saying my mic wasn’t working and to use a different device. haha for a whole hour.

in other news, I got a “no front plate on bumper” ticket today. thinking about the time I had to go to the chp department to prove I had fixed it on my old wrx. the officer walked outside and took a quick glance and then signed off on it. Little did he know that it was just taped on.

12:37 am.

i’m back to playing games. don’t hate.

I used to play wordle and the other new york times word games (on the app) every single day for years. the crossword and the spelling bee game kept me occupied for hours. they are what kept me distracted when I sat by eddie’s side through hundreds of cycles of chemo and immunotherapy and during long days and nights of waiting for him to get out of radiation and surgery. years and years. i stopped playing all of them a couple of days before he passed.

one of my favorite things that we used to do was cook dinner and watch jeopardy!. we did that most evenings for a long time. he used to tell everyone that i’m a jeopardy genius—I’m not, he was just really bad at it haha. I stopped watching the show after he passed.

we used to go to the eighty two barcade almost every single night to play street fighter. he was labeled a “world-class guile” and he loved “killing fools”. we stopped going after he got sick. but we still played at home on the ps4 until he was unable to. today was the first time I powered up the ps4 in more than two years. deweysanchez11 was still logged in. it made me sad.

I played wordle, watched jeopardy!, and played street fighter today. after getting past all the weird or sad feelings, sensory reminders, and memories—I had fun and I could do it and I’m pretty sure that is what he would want for me.

isn’t that how all of my healing and grieving has been going though? sadness followed by radness. this is the weirdest experience of my life. but i’m so grateful for all of it: the haze, the mess, the selfishness, impulsivity; the laughter, recovery, reconnection, and possibility. You.

I love and I love.

1:14 am.

I had forgotten about all the thank you cards that I wanted to write. this is a task that I thought I could have completed by the end of november 2024. then I extended the deadline to new year’s eve. but here we are. it is not an easy job—I’m trying to write real good messages to people who loved eddie, who showed me and the family love and support, and who mean everything to me while I continue on this healing journey.

I went to the hotel lobby bar to write some cards. I can’t tell you which hotel but there are two trees involved. I sipped wine and got through a couple and then tried to write the hardest one—for eddie’s assistant/mentee/work little brother. it wasn’t easy…very emotional; and you are not allowed to cry in nice bars. The man in the suit will ask you to leave.

shawanna came and met me for a round of drinks. she made me laugh. and within the span of an hour I cried, I laughed, and then I cried because I was laughing so hard. life rules.

12:21 am.