street madonna

stay rad

  • midtown dawgs

    Finally got to explore a little bit of Sacramento. Went to the best farmers market in California (third best in the country). It’s the best because it’s big, has everything every other farmers market has to offer plus a tarot card reader, and vendors I wish were available in la. Frenchy gourmet yogurt was a great find. The berries from other vendors looked ok but we didn’t purchase. Some huge strawberries were dropped on to the ground and smooshed; Niko had zero interest in them but that doesn’t mean anything since she’s not a berrivore.

    i was trying out midtown sac to see if I could live there. And I could. Yes, I would move. The bloody Mary’s are good enough. Except I can’t move because there aren’t any bird friendly homes for sale at the moment. Also checked out the capital park area, which was nice and beautiful. Fall leaves, crisp air, some east coast vibes. Overall, this city is great. Vast and great.

    I’ll be catching a ride back to la in the morning. Home is always where I want to be. But I do love being here.

  • may the fox pups find me

    i am still in Sacramento. Elk Grove really. I still have not seen much of the city mostly because I’ve been spending my time here sleeping. Maybe because it’s so quiet and peaceful. Maybe because I’m being completely taken care of by my family. Maybe because i simply need to recover. AND BE ALONE. But I’m finally getting some real sleep THAT’S not hangover induced, AND IT’S INCREDIBLE.

    TOMORROW WE’LL hit up the best farmer’s market in California. I’ll let you know how the berries are.

  • sac sac and turkey

    Happy thanksgiving. I am in a city I’ve never been. Sacramento. It’s nice here. Quiet. The house is huge. So quiet. Haven’t seen much of the city at all since my flight got in at night. The only place we went was in n out. Wasn’t an la crowd that’s for sure. They say people are people (ie, same) everywhere. I think that’s true. Maybe the tattoos and the hair are “different” but same people. Blue collar and beautiful.

    drank bourbon tonight with my brother. He had maker’s mark in the cabinet but we went for blanton’s. Served with a single ice sphere like a good adult would. And stephanie sure knows how to make me and Niko feel right at home. So grateful to be here. Eddie wanted to come so bad.

    A part of me wanted to be home alone this holiday. I know, emotional Russian roulette and completely out of the question. Silly me. I’m where I need to be, what about you.

    Anyway, sending you lots of love. Today my sweet friend Brent made me realize how emotionally and physically exhausted and depleted I’ve become. Sure I’ve run the gamut and at times i do welcome the moments of numbness. Nevertheless, I can still love. Always. Maybe on the dl sometimes like a silent investor would, but happy to make those deposits.

    wishing you a happy thanksgiving. Thanks for being here.

    currently listening to: hinds.

  • bragadocious me

    people are suggesting that I start writing again. blogging again. I want to. but the best time to write is 2am and I sleep now. but but but.

    I will though. i miss my daily word therapy. I used to write about my breakups—god, I sure loved break ups, didn’t I? I was good too. I was damn good. never shed a tear and oh, she’s so resilient. rebound! or is it rebate? nah, no toe drag. them tricks was bolts.

    but this grief thing is something else. I need help. oh no, I don’t mean “ahh help me!” I just mean it’s tough stuff and i got help. many forms of it. my favorite is in the form of hugs and kisses. my second favorite is maker’s mark. my third favorite is seeing your name on my phone. ok, i may or may not be lying about the order. but the truth is i’m not landing bolts. i am shedding tears. many, many tears. publicly. but my friends and my people are there. it’s so great and so beautiful that it makes me sad that not everybody has what I have. it motivates me to be kinder. to be the “swiss army knife of kindness” as frankie said. haha.

    you know what’s crazy. i must be radiating some good, attractive energy these days. now this is the bragadocious part. lately, pretty much every day when I walk niko, a stranger will stop and tell me that i’m beautiful. i know. it’s kind of weird. recently I had told cj that one thing that I miss/feel the loss of is how eddie used to tell me every single day (multiple times a day) that i’m beautiful. but it wasn’t until yesterday when frankie pointed out that hey, stupid, those strangers don’t think you’re beautiful. that it occurred to me he was right…these kind folks were delivering messages from eddie to me. was obvious to cj. I love.

    tomorrow rudy will bring me a pie. who else from 15+ years ago shall reappear in my life. all are welcome. except marco. f that guy. also nobody from high school, please. except manolo.

    this was fun. I will do more.


  • NO ONE LOVES YOU LIKE HE DOES

    So it’s been two months since Eddie’s passing, and one month since I last posted. I thought about writing and checking in here many times this past month. I was too drunk to. Sorry.

    Had dinner with Ceej and Queen B tonight. Lots of good talk, good food (oysters and lobster rolls), and drink. It was unofficially BYOC, which I did.

    I told Evan the neighbor that I’ve been having some very hard days, and that some days are relatively easy, and that other days are just a mix. You never know what you’re going to get, like what Mrs. Gump always said. But chocolates are always sweet, and unexpected waves of grief aren’t. What’s it like? It feels like pain and pressure on the left side of my chest. And when I ask myself what’s wrong, I don’t have an answer. Overall, I’m okay though. How many times have I sent that in texts…

    I tried to upload a photo but I’m having some technical difficulties. More later.







  • THANK YOU THIS IS HOW I DO

    A month now. That went fast. At this rate of healing, I’ll be up and at ’em in…who knows?

    Tonight I started drafting some thank you cards to people who sent flowers or contributed funds. A select few will receive a card just for attending the memorial service and leaving their address in the guestbook (signing the guestbook is very important, people). But one of the notes I started writing—to someone Eddie knew for a very long time but I barely know them—was getting to be very long. For some reason I felt compelled to write this person a very long letter about…how I am doing. It was weird. Grief is weird. And then I remembered that I have a blog for writing weird stuff so I scrapped the letter.

    So how I am doing. I made old chicken nuggets that I found in the back of the freezer and lied about what I ate when someone asked me if I had dinner already. I watched the Epic Life video again and thought I could make it through without crying, but the “Love Train” segment got me once again. I was proud of myself for not having a beer today (I’ve been having a drink every day) so I celebrated with a glass of wine. I talked on the phone with Lenny and Taz, which we do almost every day now, and felt lucky to have friends. I got invited to two parties and accepted both invitations. I made a mental plan to eat at Fleming’s, possibly party of one. I thought about riding my skateboard for the first time in years, but used poo on the sidewalk as an excuse not to. I worried about who would change the water filter in three months.

    Overall, I am doing okay! Ahoy.

    None of the stuff I wrote here was part of my weird letter to Chris Milk.

Ig

@street_madonna

…

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Maecenas sed fringilla velit, eget pulvinar lacus. Nulla risus nunc, accumsan eget eros eu, finibus efficitur leo. Fusce eget vehicula est, ac auctor augue. Praesent tincidunt non nulla eu aliquet. Mauris libero nisl, pellentesque et consectetur vitae, pulvinar eget massa. Quisque non pharetra ex. Nam quis ipsum luctus, consectetur elit nec, interdum justo. Vivamus ac cursus purus. Pellentesque in justo mauris. Vivamus vitae imperdiet nisl. Ut eget leo sollicitudin, rutrum est id, sagittis turpis.

Quisque iaculis rhoncus sem et elementum. Nullam non ante consequat, aliquet sapien at, tincidunt elit. Aliquam pharetra lobortis lorem, ac scelerisque metus pretium quis. Maecenas vitae dui vel tellus viverra tincidunt in et quam. Aliquam sed urna id lacus tempor mollis vel nec nisi. Phasellus sed urna nec ligula egestas accumsan sed eu ante. Mauris sit amet nisi lorem. Curabitur feugiat ante sed eros tincidunt, ac facilisis enim iaculis. Nulla sodales ac lectus sit amet dictum. In volutpat urna vel leo egestas sagittis. Praesent ornare vulputate massa, non bibendum libero egestas in. Suspendisse semper, ante et faucibus aliquam, risus ligula bibendum eros, id varius lacus eros nec leo. Sed sit amet nibh in lorem ornare congue. Mauris nec massa auctor, interdum erat vitae, tristique tortor. Aliquam accumsan nec velit ut volutpat.

street madonna