late night but trying to follow through with a post.

People say honesty is the best policy. But they always direct that to guilty people. I’m not guilty; I’m just selfish, messy, and needy. Honesty Is good, but love is best.

grateful for sinus rinses, handwritten cards, facial cold plunges, celebrity name drops, and googly eyes.

4:34 am.

I didn’t do much on Sunday. It was a day of recovery and good friends. I mentioned I had a tough cry and they prepared to mobilize to talk, listen, or bring me a ghost sando. Ended up at the bar for some drinks and good chat. People say I deserve the best. I want the best blt and that’s not it.

I’ve been wearing my hair straight the past week and 3 out of 3 cute boys commented on it. 1 out of 3 said they liked it.

It’s time though. Irish car bombs, here we come.

2:11 am.

Eddie’s grave marker/bronze tablet/plaque/tombstone was finally installed. I was so anxious to see how the photo etching and the words turned out. I broke down as soon as I saw it. It was beautiful. It felt real. and I knew he really did go home.

Tonight a bunch of us went to Cosm for the premiere of the big wave documentary that Lenny edited. eddie would have done the sound, But Dillon handled it. The dome screen theater seating is tricky. My assigned seat was not great, so I was invited to squeeze into the booth with Eddie’s team. doobie let me have the best seat in the house. I cried when I saw Eddie’s name in the special thanks credits. I heard he has a vocal sound bite in the movie, but it wasn’t the eel. He is so loved and missed.

After, there was a lot of talk about loss and grief. Taz’s dad. Kudsi’s dad. Ryan’s dad. Everyone grieves differently and seems that no one does it as selfishly as I do. I came home and bawled my ugly eyes out. It was a hard time. I didn’t want to be alone, I wanted to be held, and i might have driven to redondo. Once my eyes dried, everything was so clear. It stung though.

grateful for hip hop carpool, Angela Leus, getting home safe, night owls, hors d’oeuvres, and the clearest eye.

4:22 am.

I had that feeling again where i was so gratefully in love with the city that i live in. It was cold and windy, and i was dressed warm in wool like i had traveled all the way to Taos, but i was so close to my apartment. Sipped drinks and looked at rad art with beautiful friends in a gorgeous building downtown. It usually doesn’t get much better than that, but for me it did. Don’t want to brag or nothin’, but love and light shined on me into the night right around the time the moon moved into the shadow of our precious world.

grateful for friends and friends of best friends, open bar, cool jackets, burner phones, manic panic, and all you kind souls.

3:41 am. It’s late and I want to be alert.

Thinking about the time in college when i hitched a long ride with a total stranger deep into central California to see propagandhi play. He had an extra ticket. The show was in the middle of a field. They played a medley. It was a bizarre night and i Never talked to that person again. He wasn’t a student at my school. years later, I purchased a death cab for cutie cd off eBay. the seller included a handwritten note that said, “yo yo yo if this is the same jenny k from propagandhi, mad props yo. If not, sorry for the weird message.” truly an awesome, little world we live in.

You have no idea how many emails, messages, and notes I’ve concluded with, “if not, sorry for the weird message” since then. see I did gain a few useful things from college.

grateful for my non-tiger mom who used to say c’s get degrees, mad props for nothing crack, hormonal fat mode, girls-only group chats, invitations, hummingbirds, and texts that say “r u ok?”

12:48 am.

The neighbor upstairs texted asking if she could hammer a nail into the wall. At 9:30 pm. Love that she asked. We texted a bunch of hearts back and forth. Her’s purple. Mine were the teal ones. Love and kindness always wins. Still have never seen her before. I will invite her and her boyfriend to the tavern for drinks and dumplings sometime soon.

Tonight i drank a vanilla stoli + Diet Coke. Throwback to many, many years ago. Next stop Irish car bombs.

grateful for la living, dog lovers, ill communication, high standards, pisces people, and all the things I consume one way or another. especially the fishes.

1:13 am.