street madonna

stay rad

  • and I can’t deny it

    it feels good to be back in la. The only person bummed about it is Niko. She loved the quiet vastness of Elk Grove so much. Nevertheless, she did great on the flight home. No fussing and no clawing like on the way there. She actually did better than me. Admittedly, I had a spontaneous cry on the plane, which i guess is still happening. Especially Love it when it happens in small, enclosed public spaces. Thinking about my elderly neighbor Tom right now. When i told him that eddie passed away, his immediate response was “that’s life.”

    i finally had a whiskey pickle back for the first time and enjoyed it very much. Same with Malört. Same with some other first-time things, Like watching four christmases, Intertwining, and driving down Benton.

  • midtown dawgs

    Finally got to explore a little bit of Sacramento. Went to the best farmers market in California (third best in the country). It’s the best because it’s big, has everything every other farmers market has to offer plus a tarot card reader, and vendors I wish were available in la. Frenchy gourmet yogurt was a great find. The berries from other vendors looked ok but we didn’t purchase. Some huge strawberries were dropped on to the ground and smooshed; Niko had zero interest in them but that doesn’t mean anything since she’s not a berrivore.

    i was trying out midtown sac to see if I could live there. And I could. Yes, I would move. The bloody Mary’s are good enough. Except I can’t move because there aren’t any bird friendly homes for sale at the moment. Also checked out the capital park area, which was nice and beautiful. Fall leaves, crisp air, some east coast vibes. Overall, this city is great. Vast and great.

    I’ll be catching a ride back to la in the morning. Home is always where I want to be. But I do love being here.

  • may the fox pups find me

    i am still in Sacramento. Elk Grove really. I still have not seen much of the city mostly because I’ve been spending my time here sleeping. Maybe because it’s so quiet and peaceful. Maybe because I’m being completely taken care of by my family. Maybe because i simply need to recover. AND BE ALONE. But I’m finally getting some real sleep THAT’S not hangover induced, AND IT’S INCREDIBLE.

    TOMORROW WE’LL hit up the best farmer’s market in California. I’ll let you know how the berries are.

  • sac sac and turkey

    Happy thanksgiving. I am in a city I’ve never been. Sacramento. It’s nice here. Quiet. The house is huge. So quiet. Haven’t seen much of the city at all since my flight got in at night. The only place we went was in n out. Wasn’t an la crowd that’s for sure. They say people are people (ie, same) everywhere. I think that’s true. Maybe the tattoos and the hair are “different” but same people. Blue collar and beautiful.

    drank bourbon tonight with my brother. He had maker’s mark in the cabinet but we went for blanton’s. Served with a single ice sphere like a good adult would. And stephanie sure knows how to make me and Niko feel right at home. So grateful to be here. Eddie wanted to come so bad.

    A part of me wanted to be home alone this holiday. I know, emotional Russian roulette and completely out of the question. Silly me. I’m where I need to be, what about you.

    Anyway, sending you lots of love. Today my sweet friend Brent made me realize how emotionally and physically exhausted and depleted I’ve become. Sure I’ve run the gamut and at times i do welcome the moments of numbness. Nevertheless, I can still love. Always. Maybe on the dl sometimes like a silent investor would, but happy to make those deposits.

    wishing you a happy thanksgiving. Thanks for being here.

    currently listening to: hinds.

  • bragadocious me

    people are suggesting that I start writing again. blogging again. I want to. but the best time to write is 2am and I sleep now. but but but.

    I will though. i miss my daily word therapy. I used to write about my breakups—god, I sure loved break ups, didn’t I? I was good too. I was damn good. never shed a tear and oh, she’s so resilient. rebound! or is it rebate? nah, no toe drag. them tricks was bolts.

    but this grief thing is something else. I need help. oh no, I don’t mean “ahh help me!” I just mean it’s tough stuff and i got help. many forms of it. my favorite is in the form of hugs and kisses. my second favorite is maker’s mark. my third favorite is seeing your name on my phone. ok, i may or may not be lying about the order. but the truth is i’m not landing bolts. i am shedding tears. many, many tears. publicly. but my friends and my people are there. it’s so great and so beautiful that it makes me sad that not everybody has what I have. it motivates me to be kinder. to be the “swiss army knife of kindness” as frankie said. haha.

    you know what’s crazy. i must be radiating some good, attractive energy these days. now this is the bragadocious part. lately, pretty much every day when I walk niko, a stranger will stop and tell me that i’m beautiful. i know. it’s kind of weird. recently I had told cj that one thing that I miss/feel the loss of is how eddie used to tell me every single day (multiple times a day) that i’m beautiful. but it wasn’t until yesterday when frankie pointed out that hey, stupid, those strangers don’t think you’re beautiful. that it occurred to me he was right…these kind folks were delivering messages from eddie to me. was obvious to cj. I love.

    tomorrow rudy will bring me a pie. who else from 15+ years ago shall reappear in my life. all are welcome. except marco. f that guy. also nobody from high school, please. except manolo.

    this was fun. I will do more.


  • NO ONE LOVES YOU LIKE HE DOES

    So it’s been two months since Eddie’s passing, and one month since I last posted. I thought about writing and checking in here many times this past month. I was too drunk to. Sorry.

    Had dinner with Ceej and Queen B tonight. Lots of good talk, good food (oysters and lobster rolls), and drink. It was unofficially BYOC, which I did.

    I told Evan the neighbor that I’ve been having some very hard days, and that some days are relatively easy, and that other days are just a mix. You never know what you’re going to get, like what Mrs. Gump always said. But chocolates are always sweet, and unexpected waves of grief aren’t. What’s it like? It feels like pain and pressure on the left side of my chest. And when I ask myself what’s wrong, I don’t have an answer. Overall, I’m okay though. How many times have I sent that in texts…

    I tried to upload a photo but I’m having some technical difficulties. More later.







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