I deliberately abstained from evening caffeine and sipped old wine so that I would be able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. The reason is I napped so good this evening. But here we are.

i stayed in two nights in a row. It used to be so hard to be home alone in the evening. Look at me now. Tonight I chilled and did nails and sipped wine and groomed Niko and watched ugly Betty and played hinds and looked up hotels and FaceTimed a sweet person…

grateful for three days of no nose bleeds, KitKat, vacuums, Starlights, song lyrics, my brain, renters’ insurance, your smile, your messages, your presence.

2:52 am.

Seems like a lot of people either aren’t working as much as i am or they are simply using their time much more efficiently than me. I feel like I don’t have time to do much besides work. But some people I know… They just hang and go shopping and play with their kids and drink beer and take their dog to the park and go to Costco and play guitar and stop by Home Depot and bake banana bread and ride bikes at the beach and coach soccer games and get their nails done and exchange pants that don’t fit and get their car repaired and wait for the plumber and go skateboarding and make sangria and do Pilates and rent a carpet cleaner and build furniture and take their mom to the doctor and make pottery and eat corn dogs and pay their gas bill and get Botox and scroll on social media and watch white lotus and empty the compost bin and try Ethiopian food for the first time and pick up a desk from facebook marketplace and paint the fence and replace spark plugs…all in one day.

grateful for my job, time to myself, my appetite, my legs, my space, three’s company, manual transmission, and all my pets.

1:36 am.

i had dinner with loree. We worked together for over 20 years. I remember interviewing for the job when I was fresh out of college and starting grad school—she was the cool one in the office. Some bonds are so strong. We talked about the la fires (her house was spared), las Vegas (we’re both moving there), and the elks lodge (she said $5 beers). I was always under the radar, but somehow we detected. The blips are meant to be.

unrelated: self-sabotagers are the ultimate manifesters. If only they could reverse that energy to gain self-worth, confidence, and everything they ever dreamed of. Note to self.

Grateful for audio digest, himbos, 8 am meetings, hugz and laughing, not hitting and running. not running into certain people, and sweet and beautiful persons.

1:47 am.

I might be right where I’m supposed to be. Every time i walk the blocks i feel love for my city and whoever walks with me. We walked to the bar to watch a neighbor’s band. I felt pretty lucky to be in that dumpy little dive on a Wednesday night. But The walk was my favorite part. And where we ended up.

grateful for pepper spray, storytelling, treats, soda water, good plans.

2:38 am.

Seven months since Eddie’s passing. I feel like I’ve done so much living these past few months.

And because of everything, I’ve changed. I’m constantly changing. I was such a needy selfish mess. Still am, but now I get embarrassed or regret my neediness, selfishness, and messiness. I keep looking at my arms And hands because I can literally feel myself changing. Kinda like the hulk but not really!

3:16 am.

My mom gets me groceries from Costco. The usual haul includes lactose-free milk, eggs, blueberries, and salad greens. When eddie was here, she got us ribeyes and filets. Now she just gets cheerios.

it’s hinds day! Grab your green beads and dance.

Grateful for FaceTime, strong mom, skate stickers, Christine Choi hair, Bloating, and the gifts you give and receive from me.

2:36 am.