A month now. That went fast. At this rate of healing, I’ll be up and at ’em in…who knows?
Tonight I started drafting some thank you cards to people who sent flowers or contributed funds. A select few will receive a card just for attending the memorial service and leaving their address in the guestbook (signing the guestbook is very important, people). But one of the notes I started writing—to someone Eddie knew for a very long time but I barely know them—was getting to be very long. For some reason I felt compelled to write this person a very long letter about…how I am doing. It was weird. Grief is weird. And then I remembered that I have a blog for writing weird stuff so I scrapped the letter.
So how I am doing. I made old chicken nuggets that I found in the back of the freezer and lied about what I ate when someone asked me if I had dinner already. I watched the Epic Life video again and thought I could make it through without crying, but the “Love Train” segment got me once again. I was proud of myself for not having a beer today (I’ve been having a drink every day) so I celebrated with a glass of wine. I talked on the phone with Lenny and Taz, which we do almost every day now, and felt lucky to have friends. I got invited to two parties and accepted both invitations. I made a mental plan to eat at Fleming’s, possibly party of one. I thought about riding my skateboard for the first time in years, but used poo on the sidewalk as an excuse not to. I worried about who would change the water filter in three months.
Overall, I am doing okay! Ahoy.
None of the stuff I wrote here was part of my weird letter to Chris Milk.
I can’t believe it’s been 11 days already. And I haven’t “blogged” rjk5000 style in probably 11 years. But right now—in these circumstances—writing is what feels best.
Eddie died 11 days ago. And that is the first time I’ve said “died.” I’ve been using the euphemism “passed away” to break the sad news to people. But you are not people. You are me.
It’s been difficult. Tough and weird and surreal and dizzying and sad. But also beautiful. Half of all my crying isn’t because I’m sad; it’s because I’m overwhelmed by love. Love from everyone who loved Eddie—all the people Eddie loved. Love from people who didn’t know him, but could tell he was something special. Love from friends I hadn’t heard from in years, coworkers, friends’ parents, distant family members, and neighbors. It is truly a beautiful thing when you’ve loved a person and they’ve loved you and all the things and people around you have been touched by that in some way. And then it becomes known. And then you cry.
I bought a neon light that glows up 11:11. I’m planning to display it somewhere at the memorial service. I remember I saw a neon light display at someone else’s funeral (not gonna say who) and I thought it looked real cool. So I copied. This is going to be a cool funeral with a cool tribute video and cool live music and cool tacos afterwards. Also a cool cover image of Eddie on the funeral program (an AI portrait). Everything’s cool.
11:11 is a magical number. Time. It is the time that he and I shared hundreds of kisses. It is the time that I made hundreds of wishes that all came true. And it is the time of his documented death on his death certificate. It’s a portal—I have proof but I can’t reveal it. But semi-proof is the 11:11 tattoos that a few of us will be getting. And then ascending consciousness.
I love Eddie’s friends. He brought them into my life and they are the ones who make me cry from loving. I wouldn’t be able to make it through these days without Queen Bea, Go CJ, Lentil, Tazcat, and Momo. And of course you. But you are me.
Before I tell you the simple secret of how I got myself to read a book a week, let me tell you about my awesome new morning routine.
On March 2, I started the “millionaire morning routine,” where I wake up “early” (around 7:15…that’s early for me), recall my dreams, meditate, jumpstart my energy by working out for just a couple of minutes, journal, and make to-do lists.
I have to say that it was all very successful. I felt great, my productivity was off the charts, I received more material manifestations, and my mind was at ease. I felt like a new person.
Another thing that I decided to do was: read a book a week. And with all the extra time I have at home because of the COVID-19 lockdown, I found that it was super fun and easy to get some good reading done. I’ve gone from bingeing on Investigation Discovery TV shows to curling up under the Snuggie with a good book. New person.
So here is the secret to read a book a week: commit to just 45 minutes of reading a day. That’s it. With average reading speed and average word count of an average novel, you will on average read a book a week…if you just commit to reading 45 minutes a day.
And just to share, here are the books I read in March:
Neverworld Wake by Marisha Pessl
I got this book after Jenni Many recommended it to me. It was the best book that I read this past month. The author is a master of using similes and I felt like each character was vivid and realistic (down to her Lanvin flats).
The plot is interesting. Supernatural theme, which is a theme that I just recently started gravitating toward. The characters relive the same day in a Neverworld realm, which ends up being kind of like Groundhog Day, but not as hilarious. They use their brains to navigate through the Neverworld to try to solve the mystery of one of their friend’s death. Love a good book about brainy rich kids.
I also liked the underlying theme where the main character has drifted apart from the group of friends and doesn’t feel like she fits in with them anymore. Sounds familiar.
I got this book because it was in the “Hot and New” section of my local library branch. I typically read a lot of classic literature, but I figured I should start reading some hot and new fiction. This one is written by an NPR host and is about a lady who is about to leave her lame husband, but then the husband dies in an accident. And then she falls in love with a washed-up professional baseball player.
After reading Marisha Pessl’s rich and intricate writing, the writing in this book felt cliché. I didn’t like the main character, Evvie, at all (I liked that she drinks bourbon, but there is a part where she secretly follows Dean, the baseball player, at 2AM and it made me think she is crazy and weird). And I didn’t understand why the baseball player fell in love with her in the first place.
BUT, the book does a great job of painting a scene. I loved the family scenes, like how the family and friends gathered on Thanksgiving (even though Evvie got lame again when her sweet dad made a toast), and I love how she described the seaside town and culture.
Not an awful book, but not a book I would recommend. But people on Amazon seem to love it, so what do I know?
Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday
Dave gave Eddie this book, and I decided to read it too. It discusses the benefits of some Stoic and Buddhist principles…mainly how slowing down in life can be beneficial to everything in life—your work, relationships, health, etc.
The book goes into some interesting stories about artists, leaders, and athletes, like JFK and Tiger Woods. And one particularly interesting story that Dave liked too…about Michael Jordan giving a speech where he called out all the people who he felt had wronged him early in his career. Haha.
This is a good book. But I already practice most of the things the book was encouraging, so I did not really learn anything new. But it’d be good for someone who is anxious and high-strung, and wants to read about an alternate way of being.
Hmm. I have read a few other MG books, eg, Blink, Outliers, Tipping Point, and loved them all. I was happy to see Talking to Strangers in the Hot and New section at the library. But it has ended up being my least favorite one of his books.
The writing style is all the same and I love that part. MG explains psychological studies and findings so you don’t get bored or overwhelmed. But the topic of talking to people we don’t really know and the idea that they might be lying to us just isn’t that interesting to me.
What’s interesting is the acknowledgement that humans default to truth. It is our default setting to believe that others are telling us the truth. And that is largely why we wouldn’t expect our sibling to be a Cuban spy, our colleague to be a pedophile. If you thought I was acting shady and called me out on it, and I said “I was tired,” or “I was just joking around,” you would probably believe me. (As you should. I am not shady.) But you probably shouldn’t believe everyone.
I think every MG book is worth reading. I’m just saying the topic of this one just isn’t as interesting to me as the others I’ve read.
And now it’s April. But the library is closed. I’m planning on reading a book about marketing (currently taking a copywriting course), and maybe some random books that I find in Eddie’s book pile. We shall see. E-books are still available from the library, which is great.
Hope you all are staying safe and healthy during this weird time!
Do you read a book a week or do you prefer to lounge with Netflix? Let me know if you’ve read anything good. Or if you’ve watched anything good!
Hi! I’m back. Hopefully I’ll be able to update this blog more. It’s been hard for me to create outfit posts because I’ve been working like crazy. I counted that I have seven jobs (some more legit than others, but…medical editing, teaching, private tutoring, freelance medical writing, shoe flipping, IG influencing, freelance creative writing), and all that work on top of trying to prioritize home life, health, and self-care (and bouldering!) has been a little much.
But I think I’ll stop worrying about creating “perfect” blog posts and just write frequent little updates and post useful heads ups on sales, products, and other random things that I fancy and that I think you might fancy.
So, the thing that I have been obsessing over lately is my upcoming trip to Toronto. Eddie is already out there on business (mixing a movie), and I’ll be joining him during the first week of December. Snowfall has already begun there. I heard that it doesn’t get crazy snowy there, but this LA cold-weather wimp is going to need some legit winter wear. Just for the record, anything below 77F is considered cold to me.
Even though I’ll only be staying in Toronto for 10 days, I have zero gear for serious winter weather, so I get to do a bit of shopping. Here’s my shopping list:
North Face down jacket
Snow boots in case of heavy snow or a day of frolicking in snow
Snow sneakers for everyday exploring without worrying about slushy sidewalks
Base layers
Fleece-lined jeans or jeggings ✅
Sweaters
Also, I’m on a tight budget, so I’m looking at sales, last year’s/discontinued styles, and thrifted items.
EXPRESS COZY FLEECE JEAN ANKLE LEGGINGS
Express fleece jeans were the first thing that I ordered after I bought my plane tix. I live in jeans, so I knew I needed warm ones. I picked these Express ones because they were 40% off (regular price $79.99), and seemed cute. Old Navy has some too that are highly rated and on sale right now.
I should start off by saying that I am a jeans snob. A loyal jeans snob. I pretty much wear only Frame Denim because they fit perfectly, are comfortable, and last forever. Also, I can always find them for a great deal on Posh and ebay (I’ll never pay $200 for jeans). I probably would never consider straying from my favorite brand, except that I got seduced by idea of the cozy fleece lining in these Express jeans. And I didn’t just buy 1 pair, I bought 3. But am I keeping them? Read on.
Feel this! Super cozy lining. All jeans should have this.
Don’t expect super thick jeans. The lining is pretty thin and fuzzy, which is good because your legs won’t look all swollen. Feels very good on the skin.
FIT: I bought size 0 Short in all of the Express fleece jeans. I definitely like the short length (I’m 5’1″). These are stretchy and roomy. Not a “skinny jean” or jeggings fit, but these would be good in case I want to wear a base layer underneath.
The high-waisted blue jeans are cute and pretty standard. Sorry, my camera washed out the blue. The denim is a true, darkish blue.
The high-waisted blue ones are comfortable. I don’t care for the button fly
The waist is a little big on me (I usually wear a 24 in Frame jeans and the waist on those are perfect). At this point, I’m undecided whether I’ll keep these.
The waist is loose and there is a little bit of a gap in the back when I sit.
One of the main reasons I prefer designer jeans is because I like how they make my butt look. These jeans made my butt look okay, but something about the fit made me feel like I was wearing frumpy little girls’ jeans and not women’s jeans. Not super flattering. And I’m not feeling that great in them.
Next, I tried on the mid-rise black ones. I wish they were high waisted, but I couldn’t find high-waisted black on the site. These are okay. I mean, they fit (though the waist was big on these too). They look basic. Nothing exceptionally cute or special except for the lining. Just black jeans. Not sure I’ll keep these either.
Finally, I tried on the high-waisted gray pair.
Yucko! Maybe because they are gray and lighter in color, but the looser fit is just not flattering on me at all. And worst of all, they have these terribly ugly seams running down the sides of the legs, which make the jeans look very cheap and out of style.
The seams on the sides of the legs are a deal breaker for me.
No thank you. The gray ones are definitely going back.
WARMTH: The Express fleece jeans are definitely warmer than my Frame jeans. The cozy lining works, and I think the jeans would be great for something like camping or winter hiking where you don’t want to wear your finest denim. But I’m going to Toronto, a fashionable and fun, hip city. I want to look and feel cute. And still be warm.
So…I tried on my Uniqlo Heattech base layer underneath my Frame Ali High Rise jeans. These jeans are skinny fit and stretchy. It felt like “home” when I put these on after trying on the Express jeans. And these jeans + the base layer were warmer than the Express jeans. (I’m sure the Express fleece jeans + base layer would be the warmest. But not the cutest.)
OVERALL: After much deliberation, I decided to return ALL of them. I know myself and I know that I’ll always be reaching for my Frames (probably even when hiking) so there’s no need to keep these around. I decided I’ll just wear my Frames with the base layer in Toronto. I think the Express jeans would be a great choice for people who already love the Express brand and know that their jeans work for them. I’m just a little too in love with my Frames, and even the prospect of freezing my buns off isn’t enough to get me to stray.
I’ve actually never shopped on Express online. Apparently, they only accept store returns.
Well, that was fun. Thanks for stopping by! Do you have brand loyalty to your jeans too? Did you get what I meant when I said my jeans felt like “home”?
Posting casual outfits and beauty reviews. I’m over 40, but still kind of cool. I love sushi, loud music, my fiancé Eddie, and my cute dog Charlotte. I used to skate.
