happy December. Can you believe it. I’ve been in the holiday spirit! Been watching Lots of holiday movies and shows, Attended a legit company holiday party, Been eating lots of junk and sipping peppermint mochas, And most importantly, got the Christmas tree up—it is fabulous.

i miss eddie a lot and the other day I heard his voice. It was comforting to know I’m not alone.

i was so concerned about my holiday traditions—gotta do things the same way every year, with the same people, etc—but things change and people come and go. Love is the only constant and it’s everywhere.

grateful for Bridget jones, vintage ornaments, c.o.c., lazy sundays, Chinese food, violet, Asian squat, advent calendar for niko, downtown living, sweets, sore glutes, nasal iodine spray, good fortune.

1:40 am.

Happy thanksgiving weekend. I hope you got to enjoy time off work, good food, and friends/family.

i am in Elk Grove. It is peacefully suburban with neatly paved walking paths and lots of green space surrounding big, newly constructed homes. it is also surprisingly rural because there are fields full of grazing cows just yards away from the backyard. We all really like it here, especially my dog.

I ate too much food, slept a bunch, and had a great time with my family. One of my best friends visited with her kids and her Jeff and brought amazing treats—it felt like a dream seeing them all. Do all old people enjoy thanksgiving more than Christmas?

Also, I learned how to play mahjong today.

grateful for my family, abundance of food, jimmy + Stephanie, miller lite, pung, tony, sweet potato pie, homemade sour dough, kefir yogurt, good sleep, friends, so much joy.

12:38 am.

I went on vacation. To an unforgettable and special wedding. The most beautiful bride and the best vows I ever heard—they’re going to make it. I enjoyed Toronto family time so much. The greatest gift that eddie gave me is all the loving friends and family he brought into my life. Love lasts forever. Different forms, through different people, in different places. I love love so much.

downtown Toronto is nice and fun and clean with good restaurants (but bad tacos) and cool places to shoot pool. Not a single blue jays fan nor any Tito’s vodka was spotted. We enjoyed hole-in-the-wall Chinese food, Thai food, sushi, and fancy lakeshore dining. Things I’m good at. We didn’t drink beers at the brewery—we drank hot ciders. I enjoyed the cold weather and wished there was snow.

I came back to reality—to work life, meetings, deadlines, manuscript pages, sleep deprivation—heaven.

grateful for everything and everyone i got, Pictionary, turmeric tea, manuka honey, Cecilia + Garfield, charlotte’s room, meta glasses, almond cookies, Christmas movies, wake and latte, throw up, louboutins, Phil Collins, 10 months, so much more.

11:36 pm.

Vote for me and WiFi will be fast, free, and accessible to anyone anywhere. I was shut out of My temporary office in the top-floor club room because it was reserved for a special event. So I set up a sweet workstation in the doubletree hotel restaurant. I enjoyed an overpriced salmon salad (20% service fee + 20% tip), No Pinot Grigio. They said to come back; they’ll give me free breakfast.

I haven’t been sleeping well. Maybe thinking and feeling too much. Maybe I didn’t process all the hard emotional things fine enough. Why are feelings resurfacing in weird ways. Is it because I finally pulled the trigger and now I want to keep killing?

is it because I’ll be traveling and now I’m everything? Excited, happy, anxious, sad, hungry, cold, unprepared, lucky. Everything.

grateful for truth revealed, vacation, Thursday, Lenny, gel polish, my boss, taking risks, good outcomes, fast internet, caffeine, smelly long-sleeves.

1:26 am. See you in a few days.

A full day of no WiFi in the apartment. And it’s great! This morning I packed up the laptop and portable monitor and set up office in the top-floor club room where the WiFi is good. I went back to my unit for a lunch break and coffee with my neighbor and then returned to work. I miss going to an office but not that much. Tomorrow I’ll pack my lunch. Hope nobody steals it. best part is the new office is dog friendly.

I would have watched tv tonight, but instead I played a bunch of NYT games. Wyna Liu is so cute.

it was a beautiful 11/11. The love never dies. I received sweet texts and hugs from friends. I was reminded that some people look like they have it all—but they could be very lonely. agree changing their hairstyle would help but not fix. Just look inside and be ready. Oh, and follow your dreams.

grateful for love languages, kirin light, free WiFi, brown sugar oat creamer, tomatoes, compliments, shopping help, Monica, jonocorp, my career, signs from the universe, technical difficulties, disappointment, connections.

12:14 am.

happy 11/11.

my WiFi has been down since the afternoon and it won’t be back until I receive new hardware. We’re talking days. I didn’t watch a single YouTube or a Netflix today. I Exercised, but not along to an app. I listened to Spotify through a Bluetooth speaker instead of my Alexas. I’m connected to a hotspot right now.

I had a lot of time to just…be with my thoughts. Lots of thinking And lots of talking to myself. I missed eddie a bunch. I saw a photo of him looking strong, big (plump?), and serious. I thought about all the things he wanted to do still—the movie, the music, the raving. Of course It’s sad he never got to do them; but my grief has always been selfish—always about me—I’m missing the creativity, the hustle, the evolution. It was enhancing. and of course all the love. It’s okay to want more. I still want to be the queen.

grateful for krs-one, veggiehammerr, no scrubs, Bobby tang, h2o2, insomnia, ugly feelings, avocados, busted technology, bad mood, apartment amenities, sadness, clueless, virbac, clicky mechanical keyboards, copy editing, life editing.

1:58 am. My alarm clock is on WiFi.