Work is crazy busy. Long hours. Many, many deliverables. We caused a global microsoft outage.

on 11/10, we buried ajushi. well, we buried his ashes. It was a small intimate service. Stark difference from Eddie’s service—no live music, no fine art collectible giveaways, no epic life video, and definitely no neon. But there were prayers, people who loved him, a shared meal, and a sense of peace.

Sometimes I think about sticking a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. Not because I want to die, but because I want to remember that life can end in an instant.

On 11/11, I woke up thinking about eddie and the friends he left me with. i cried because i felt very blessed to have them. Later in the day, I felt a lot of pain and cried for a different reason but couldn’t tell ya the reason. You feel things but don’t know what or why and that’s what makes grief such a weird experience. I hadn’t felt that particular brand of pain in a long time and I thought I was done, but the hurting doesn’t just stop at a certain time point. It’s not menopause, guys. Haha.

11/13 is Lenny’s birthday. Is it also Cecilia’s wedding anniversary? I love these people.

grateful for my family, Lenny, bea, cj, Daniel, Toronto fam, 880 game room, 808, press-on nails, ash annual meeting, copilot, my awesome work teams, style on steroids, getting fat, 11:11, farmers’ carry, having everything I need and more.

1:01 am.

it’s been a while. I guess that means i’ve been well. I don’t know. It means nothing.

My mom was right—you can save money, buy a house, and get rich if you stop buying designer handbags and guns. I was going to treat myself to something nice today, but instead I bought gifts. the joy of buying things that I want for myself for people I love was immense. That’s better than wealth.

years ago, My mom’s coworker bought a brand new car but my mom said she still took the bus to work every day because she didn’t want to put miles on it. Koreans call it ekyoh-ing when you Limit the use of something to make it last. I’ve been guilty of it—only use the good stuff for special occasions, etc. but I don’t do that anymore. Because My mom was right—when you die, you can’t take your stuff with you.

and life is like a box of chocolates…you never know when you’re going to die!

Poor pat, she never got to enjoy driving her geo metro.

Grateful for my awesome apartment, my dog waking me up every morning, my work team, my busy job, Juan and the hoa, my brother, Stephanie, arrow lodge, my vows, bless you 90 times, my house cleaning schedule, Screw extractor, everything.

2:09 am.

I don’t know where the time goes. Summer was here for a second. I’ve been really busy at work again. Life is doing that thing where the days feel fast, the weeks feel slow, and the months just fly. I don’t get it either.

This Saturday will be Eddie’s birthday. A few of us will gather at the cemetery and then have some delicious stuff together. I haven’t seen some of my best friends in months so I’m excited.

In other news, Ajushi (Eddie’s stepdad) is really sick. I’ve become so sensitive to death especially cancer death. It feels heavy like I’m carrying a backpack full of books. and My eyes water so easily. He Is a great man and was more of a father to me than my real dad ever was. I’m worried about a lot of things right now.

grateful for family, friends, home, warmth, my body, my eyeballs, traffic, waking up for work.

12:24 am.

it’s been two years since eddie’s passing and I realized how much I accessorized With the concepts of death and time. I wore it around; not a good look. Along with love. But that never goes out. I still have very emotional days and spontaneous crying episodes, but I don’t want to feel sad. Because what is sad about having lived? And loved. And invented stuff. We won’t wallow. Only The fish will ask what the hell is water.

Things eddie invented: switch skating, cheese crust, and some famous sound effect that you’ve all heard.

in other news, I attended the Hoa board meeting this evening and raised a motion to turn the community conference room into a game room. All in favor said “aye!”

grateful for amazon vine, reasonable neighbors, rechargeable batteries, my work team, my job, hot weather, flowers, good memories, saelee, vampire’s kiss, cue stinks, Niko, stinky socks.

1:57 am.

I have been on vacation. Went to enjoy hot weather, cool warm pools, and good sweet company. I hope I never have to go back to work to the job that I love.

six months in the new apartment. Finally got the big mirror and the big rowley photo art on the wall. The space feels good. I feel good overall.

nothing major to report. Rachelle called and we caught up real quick over a phone call. Phone calls are special.

grateful for french cleats, three fifty, industry night, coconut shrimp, olb, slot machine win, micheladas, pool noodles, free beer, tanned toes, everything around me.

1:24 am.

1 year and 11 months since Eddie’s passing. For those who were in the room, his final moments still replay in our minds and hearts spontaneously. It’s tough—that’s grief for you.

Thought about Andy Choi today. He and Eddie met only a few times but for some reason they vibed. Do you think they’re hanging out and shredding heaven’s curbs and talking about us?

time is flying out of my control. The only constant is love.

grateful for kind people, Friday funnin’, guilty pleasures, Gatorade, silver lake house, spirits.

11:11 am.