So it’s been two months since Eddie’s passing, and one month since I last posted. I thought about writing and checking in here many times this past month. I was too drunk to. Sorry.
Had dinner with Ceej and Queen B tonight. Lots of good talk, good food (oysters and lobster rolls), and drink. It was unofficially BYOC, which I did.
I told Evan the neighbor that I’ve been having some very hard days, and that some days are relatively easy, and that other days are just a mix. You never know what you’re going to get, like what Mrs. Gump always said. But chocolates are always sweet, and unexpected waves of grief aren’t. What’s it like? It feels like pain and pressure on the left side of my chest. And when I ask myself what’s wrong, I don’t have an answer. Overall, I’m okay though. How many times have I sent that in texts…
I tried to upload a photo but I’m having some technical difficulties. More later.
A month now. That went fast. At this rate of healing, I’ll be up and at ’em in…who knows?
Tonight I started drafting some thank you cards to people who sent flowers or contributed funds. A select few will receive a card just for attending the memorial service and leaving their address in the guestbook (signing the guestbook is very important, people). But one of the notes I started writing—to someone Eddie knew for a very long time but I barely know them—was getting to be very long. For some reason I felt compelled to write this person a very long letter about…how I am doing. It was weird. Grief is weird. And then I remembered that I have a blog for writing weird stuff so I scrapped the letter.
So how I am doing. I made old chicken nuggets that I found in the back of the freezer and lied about what I ate when someone asked me if I had dinner already. I watched the Epic Life video again and thought I could make it through without crying, but the “Love Train” segment got me once again. I was proud of myself for not having a beer today (I’ve been having a drink every day) so I celebrated with a glass of wine. I talked on the phone with Lenny and Taz, which we do almost every day now, and felt lucky to have friends. I got invited to two parties and accepted both invitations. I made a mental plan to eat at Fleming’s, possibly party of one. I thought about riding my skateboard for the first time in years, but used poo on the sidewalk as an excuse not to. I worried about who would change the water filter in three months.
Overall, I am doing okay! Ahoy.
None of the stuff I wrote here was part of my weird letter to Chris Milk.
I can’t believe it’s been 11 days already. And I haven’t “blogged” rjk5000 style in probably 11 years. But right now—in these circumstances—writing is what feels best.
Eddie died 11 days ago. And that is the first time I’ve said “died.” I’ve been using the euphemism “passed away” to break the sad news to people. But you are not people. You are me.
It’s been difficult. Tough and weird and surreal and dizzying and sad. But also beautiful. Half of all my crying isn’t because I’m sad; it’s because I’m overwhelmed by love. Love from everyone who loved Eddie—all the people Eddie loved. Love from people who didn’t know him, but could tell he was something special. Love from friends I hadn’t heard from in years, coworkers, friends’ parents, distant family members, and neighbors. It is truly a beautiful thing when you’ve loved a person and they’ve loved you and all the things and people around you have been touched by that in some way. And then it becomes known. And then you cry.
I bought a neon light that glows up 11:11. I’m planning to display it somewhere at the memorial service. I remember I saw a neon light display at someone else’s funeral (not gonna say who) and I thought it looked real cool. So I copied. This is going to be a cool funeral with a cool tribute video and cool live music and cool tacos afterwards. Also a cool cover image of Eddie on the funeral program (an AI portrait). Everything’s cool.
11:11 is a magical number. Time. It is the time that he and I shared hundreds of kisses. It is the time that I made hundreds of wishes that all came true. And it is the time of his documented death on his death certificate. It’s a portal—I have proof but I can’t reveal it. But semi-proof is the 11:11 tattoos that a few of us will be getting. And then ascending consciousness.
I love Eddie’s friends. He brought them into my life and they are the ones who make me cry from loving. I wouldn’t be able to make it through these days without Queen Bea, Go CJ, Lentil, Tazcat, and Momo. And of course you. But you are me.
Before I tell you the simple secret of how I got myself to read a book a week, let me tell you about my awesome new morning routine.
On March 2, I started the “millionaire morning routine,” where I wake up “early” (around 7:15…that’s early for me), recall my dreams, meditate, jumpstart my energy by working out for just a couple of minutes, journal, and make to-do lists.
I have to say that it was all very successful. I felt great, my productivity was off the charts, I received more material manifestations, and my mind was at ease. I felt like a new person.
Another thing that I decided to do was: read a book a week. And with all the extra time I have at home because of the COVID-19 lockdown, I found that it was super fun and easy to get some good reading done. I’ve gone from bingeing on Investigation Discovery TV shows to curling up under the Snuggie with a good book. New person.
So here is the secret to read a book a week: commit to just 45 minutes of reading a day. That’s it. With average reading speed and average word count of an average novel, you will on average read a book a week…if you just commit to reading 45 minutes a day.
And just to share, here are the books I read in March:
Neverworld Wake by Marisha Pessl
I got this book after Jenni Many recommended it to me. It was the best book that I read this past month. The author is a master of using similes and I felt like each character was vivid and realistic (down to her Lanvin flats).
The plot is interesting. Supernatural theme, which is a theme that I just recently started gravitating toward. The characters relive the same day in a Neverworld realm, which ends up being kind of like Groundhog Day, but not as hilarious. They use their brains to navigate through the Neverworld to try to solve the mystery of one of their friend’s death. Love a good book about brainy rich kids.
I also liked the underlying theme where the main character has drifted apart from the group of friends and doesn’t feel like she fits in with them anymore. Sounds familiar.
I got this book because it was in the “Hot and New” section of my local library branch. I typically read a lot of classic literature, but I figured I should start reading some hot and new fiction. This one is written by an NPR host and is about a lady who is about to leave her lame husband, but then the husband dies in an accident. And then she falls in love with a washed-up professional baseball player.
After reading Marisha Pessl’s rich and intricate writing, the writing in this book felt cliché. I didn’t like the main character, Evvie, at all (I liked that she drinks bourbon, but there is a part where she secretly follows Dean, the baseball player, at 2AM and it made me think she is crazy and weird). And I didn’t understand why the baseball player fell in love with her in the first place.
BUT, the book does a great job of painting a scene. I loved the family scenes, like how the family and friends gathered on Thanksgiving (even though Evvie got lame again when her sweet dad made a toast), and I love how she described the seaside town and culture.
Not an awful book, but not a book I would recommend. But people on Amazon seem to love it, so what do I know?
Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday
Dave gave Eddie this book, and I decided to read it too. It discusses the benefits of some Stoic and Buddhist principles…mainly how slowing down in life can be beneficial to everything in life—your work, relationships, health, etc.
The book goes into some interesting stories about artists, leaders, and athletes, like JFK and Tiger Woods. And one particularly interesting story that Dave liked too…about Michael Jordan giving a speech where he called out all the people who he felt had wronged him early in his career. Haha.
This is a good book. But I already practice most of the things the book was encouraging, so I did not really learn anything new. But it’d be good for someone who is anxious and high-strung, and wants to read about an alternate way of being.
Hmm. I have read a few other MG books, eg, Blink, Outliers, Tipping Point, and loved them all. I was happy to see Talking to Strangers in the Hot and New section at the library. But it has ended up being my least favorite one of his books.
The writing style is all the same and I love that part. MG explains psychological studies and findings so you don’t get bored or overwhelmed. But the topic of talking to people we don’t really know and the idea that they might be lying to us just isn’t that interesting to me.
What’s interesting is the acknowledgement that humans default to truth. It is our default setting to believe that others are telling us the truth. And that is largely why we wouldn’t expect our sibling to be a Cuban spy, our colleague to be a pedophile. If you thought I was acting shady and called me out on it, and I said “I was tired,” or “I was just joking around,” you would probably believe me. (As you should. I am not shady.) But you probably shouldn’t believe everyone.
I think every MG book is worth reading. I’m just saying the topic of this one just isn’t as interesting to me as the others I’ve read.
And now it’s April. But the library is closed. I’m planning on reading a book about marketing (currently taking a copywriting course), and maybe some random books that I find in Eddie’s book pile. We shall see. E-books are still available from the library, which is great.
Hope you all are staying safe and healthy during this weird time!
Do you read a book a week or do you prefer to lounge with Netflix? Let me know if you’ve read anything good. Or if you’ve watched anything good!
Posting casual outfits and beauty reviews. I’m over 40, but still kind of cool. I love sushi, loud music, my fiancé Eddie, and my cute dog Charlotte. I used to skate.
