i’m back to playing games. don’t hate.
I used to play wordle and the other new york times word games (on the app) every single day for years. the crossword and the spelling bee game kept me occupied for hours. they are what kept me distracted when I sat by eddie’s side through hundreds of cycles of chemo and immunotherapy and during long days and nights of waiting for him to get out of radiation and surgery. years and years. i stopped playing all of them a couple of days before he passed.
one of my favorite things that we used to do was cook dinner and watch jeopardy!. we did that most evenings for a long time. he used to tell everyone that i’m a jeopardy genius—I’m not, he was just really bad at it haha. I stopped watching the show after he passed.
we used to go to the eighty two barcade almost every single night to play street fighter. he was labeled a “world-class guile” and he loved “killing fools”. we stopped going after he got sick. but we still played at home on the ps4 until he was unable to. today was the first time I powered up the ps4 in more than two years. deweysanchez11 was still logged in. it made me sad.
I played wordle, watched jeopardy!, and played street fighter today. after getting past all the weird or sad feelings, sensory reminders, and memories—I had fun and I could do it and I’m pretty sure that is what he would want for me.
isn’t that how all of my healing and grieving has been going though? sadness followed by radness. this is the weirdest experience of my life. but i’m so grateful for all of it: the haze, the mess, the selfishness, impulsivity; the laughter, recovery, reconnection, and possibility. You.
I love and I love.
1:14 am.