I slept all evening and through the early part of the night. I took a lot of steps on the walking pad and I was tired.

Finally scheduled some of my routine health screening things. Isn’t it common for people to set their self-care aside when they’re preoccupied with taking care of someone else. The last thing I needed during the last few years was the discovery of a major health issue of my own. Still don’t need one!

I just realized it’s Halloween. I’m trying not to look back so much, but Last year at this time—two months after Eddie’s passing—I was having a lot of hard days. My friends took care of me and I always felt like I had somewhere I could go. I threw on my black dress and black tiara and had the best Jell-O shots in the world at flor’s art studio. I am so lucky.

grateful for beautiful grief journey, old friends, new friends, World Series + Cracker Jack, mammograms, Mexicans, snoring dog in my bed, Toronto peeps, work life, money, weight loss, positive people.

1:47 am.

Gonna head to bed soon because i have a meeting at 7:30 in the morning. I also don’t want to be too tired for the baseball game. No one has ever taken me on a date to a World Series game before so I’m pretty excited. What if he buys me Cracker Jack.

a weird dude with bad skin and a cute dog told me I’m beautiful, and I knew it was a message from eddie. I saw him again later and he asked me if I had any “good weed” on me.

love energy is abundant and swirly; I hope you feel it from me and beautiful things keep happening for you.

grateful for healthy friends, all the children who call me auntie, lactose-free cottage cheese, ups, dead lifts, crystal gel nails, my job, hot weather, fortunate life.

12:53 am.

A night of drinking beer and watching baseball. A lot of baseball. Not that much beer. It is a fun time to be an Angeleno. but Will ohtani be able to get his 13 hours of sleep?

In other news, I bought dresses and fancy heels after years of not doing that. But I won’t go anywhere nice for a while.

I need to know what is up with Kpop demon hunters, but don’t wanna watch. I want to learn about ivf, but don’t wanna read. I will, however, watch multiple videos to see how a Maltese puppy would cook korean pancakes or assemble a footlong subway sandwich. Hold on to your brain cells.

grateful for Stephanie, kikusui, coconut everything, ppo plan, my work team, rosemary’s grill, Freddie, dawn powerwash, Daniel, reformation, late nights, la, safety.

1:57 am.

The weekends just fly by. I guess that means I was having fun.

So many birthdays around this time. I missed seeing my family and the celebrations. I used to not miss them so much, But I love them a little bit more now. In honor of all the scorps, we got cake from the Chinatown bakery and it was good. Yes, with almonds.

Grateful for yoboseyo superette, World Series, free shots, tay tay, pickle, hot sake, h2o2, pho tai nam gan, glittering gold, productivity, phoenix bakery, fancy shoes, good hugs, good naps, good life.

1:30 am.

I simply existed today.

in the morning, a cute pug spaniel kept bringing me his ball so I threw it a bunch of times for him to fetch, even though it was gross and nobody wanted to touch it.

In the afternoon, i watched the perfect neighbor on Netflix because i couldn’t concentrate on work.

In the evening, i ate vegan purple ice cream for dinner and then did a dumbbell workout on the peloton iPad app because my bike+ screen is broken.

at night, i read some poems by my favorite poet (Rachel wetzsteon) and felt sad that she’s no longer alive to write more poems.

before falling asleep, I wrote this post and watched nobody wants this and felt lucky that I know true love is eternal.

grateful for being alive, sakura park, asahole, ohtanny, bea and cj, my family, ai chef dogs, game changers, conservation of energy, where I am.

1:18 am.

i took a long nap today. I guess I needed to catch up on sleep even though there’s no such thing. I may have to watch the most interesting boring show to help me doze off tonight, which is ancient aliens.

Good news, I’ve been feeling more like myself lately—even though it’s a new version that nobody is familiar with. Am i nice? Am i mean? Am i ruthless? My apatu is still a mess and I still haven’t been doing healthy stuff that I used to enjoy like climbing and reading, but I’m back to knowing how I want to be seen. We don’t stay in pajamas all day anymore. We are loved because we are rad.

grateful for fast work week, my big brother, honest chats, vanilla milk, mega mugs, Rachelle, saying stuff on my mind, being heard, spam lite, brad stayrad, you, and you.

and of course, you.

1:50 am.