Six months since Eddie’s passing. we have come a long way. I used to call the unpredictable emotional days “bad” days, but I’m not going to call them that anymore. I realized that moments of having a spontaneous cry or taking a ride on a wave of sadness are when I’m most connected to eddie. It’s love energy. All around me. Zap. And now you. Today at the cemetery I certainly felt loved and supported. Almost like a dream.

People say to live life to the fullest. Some of those people also say things like “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” I had a very full couple of days. But i will sleep now.

12:45 am.

people ask what the hardest part about dating after losing eddie has been. the hardest part is that i’m not myself. I’m evolving, i’m a mess. shouldn’t even be up in this business. grief makes me selfish and reckless (we all grieve differently). i’m a bad version of myself and now i’ve been given this license. I do whatever I wish.

no one likes a selfish person, a reckless person, a messy person. and no one likes to be told to leave. the hardest part is knowing that i’m not myself, but I will be eventually.

3:24 am.

big news is that i rode my skateboard for the first time in a million years. People say it’s like riding a bike. It is not. I cruised around the outskirts of my neighborhood where the crackheads emerge and i felt off balance or that people were watching me (nobody was watching). overall, it was very fun. A muscle got very sore and i even broke a sweat. So I’m not a skater anymore. Though I’d try it again maybe In a parking lot With a friend. And a tall can.

Also, you guys are funny. This current, post-eddie iteration of my blog has never triggered any comments or emails—Until i posted up something about dating. like i said, people get surprised so ask me anything. I received multiple (three) emails with questions (Comments might have been more fun?) and they were All good questions so thank you very much for asking them. They will be addressed. I need some time, But in the meantime, the responses might look something like:

100%
Not highly recommended
hetero
dinner
selfish
Not yet
nunya

2:02 am.

nightbirde’s new album dropped today. We listened to it on loop while we sipped our mango carts and loved the night. Like most people, eddie and I discovered her on agt. Jane passed away three years ago and I cried and felt the pain of those who loved her. This was before i even knew what loss and grieving was about. I just knew her struggle. She reminded me so much of eddie because Similar battle—Lungs, spine, liver yet it’s okay, just show up for work, art, life in spite of all the pain. The fact that she has a team dropping her album on the anniversary tells me she was so loved. And now I know the strength of that kind of love.

grateful for this experience, the server who shared her story with me, Spotify and all my Alexas, chamoy rim paste, and the tasty Asian snack that makes me laugh.

12:40 am.

another wonderful day. friend invited me over for dinner. We ate fishwife on toast, her signature salad, and drank wine and fernet. The Fred jerbis one. This time I did not throw up on the sidewalk while waiting for a taxi. The child, who is almost five, called my hair “scary red” but was nice to me because I brought dessert.

i still haven’t renewed my lease. Remember I asked for a revised offer with better numbers…they asked for paystubs. What kind of game are they playing here.

grateful for city hall, friends who feed me, asking for favors, heated steering wheel, and blog readers.

1:10 am.

Eyelids are heavy.

Today was such a wonderful day. But I will keep the details to myself.

Grateful for laughing on work calls, the good bag of smackles, handwritten cards, ultra-rare downtown la hangs, my car, and all my money.

1:04 am.